I have decided to start my own business. I feel I have the necessary skills to do this. I like working on my own and I can motivate myself because I know what I want in my life. More and more I feel that I’m using the people I work for. I say this because while my attention is on their work my heart is always set on other things, like ideas and future endeavors. Instead of thinking of saving my salary to invest in skills to make me better at my job I save it for things to buy for my own business ideas. Instead of thinking of ways to increase my employers’ presence in the marketplace I think of ways I can get ahead in a chosen market instead. Instead of encouraging my peers at work to be better at their jobs and to work through the bad times, especially those times you feel like quitting, I tell them to consider starting a business on the side instead. Is this wrong of me Diary?
I have an insatiable need for freedom and to free others who are like-minded in some way. To steer my own ship and to lead my crew through uncharted territory with success. More and more I feel like an impostor. I think I can do better, do more. I feel my heart egging me on to take the leap, but I’m not always sure I should, it’s like I’m waiting for permission. Why Diary?
I think society makes us feel that we are obligated to work for someone instead of exploring our unique talents and generating business out of that. The more I speak to people about going on my own the more they make me feel as though I’m a rebel trying to start a war and that I should repent or be doomed. So I’ve been trying to squeeze myself into a box for their sake. I feel trapped Diary. I feel like a zombie just aimlessly going through my routine of going to work and coming back home. I have no life outside of work because I’m always tired. I have headaches because I’m always thinking of ways to improve my circumstances at work. I’m depressed because I am not really happy about the work that I do. This is why I feel like an impostor because I go against what I feel for the sake of false comfort. For the sake of an hourly rate that is assigned to my worth by the company for the role I fulfill. Actually my job is very easy, I clock in at a certain time, I do what my job description entails, I take breaks and I make sure I have delivered my quota by the end of the day. I clock out and start again in the morning. By this standard, I’m not a very good employee Diary. I feel like I’m in a relationship with someone but secretly having an emotional affair with someone else. Is it right that someone pays for my time and I give them a half-hearted response? Is it right that I misrepresent them by wearing their uniform, the very face of professionalism, whilst plotting my escape? I don’t think it’s fair Diary, I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me in my business.
So then I must ask, is there a difference between an entrepreneur and an employee? Who decides who should become what and why? What would be the reason behind that decision? Because we all need each other right? Employees need entrepreneurs and entrepreneurs need employees. So, what does it take to become a happy, motivated entrepreneur? What does it take to become a happy, motivated employee? For me Diary, my work has to make me happy for me to be motivated. So are we saying that motivation at work comes through happiness in fulfilling work? These are the questions I have been asking myself.
Until tomorrow, dear Diary.